So I was forced to watch Nascar today...

and oh god was it boring.

Honestly, it's an endless parade of "OH LOOK HERE THEY COME AGAIN WOOHOO, LEFT TURN!".

So, being the clever little sadistic fuck I most certainly am, I used the time that could've been used watching the show, to make a list of improvements that would make the spectacle not only watchable, but completely fuckwin.

This list is comprised of 7 major changes to the formula of the event itself.

1: Have marksmen, perched in towers at each 'corner' of the track, all Star Wars Episode One Tuskan Raider-style. And of course, have them take potshots at the drivers as they pass.

2: Have half of the cars and racers going in the OPPOSITE direction of the rest of the cars and racers, but have no 'lane system' preventing the 2 flocks from colliding when they pass.

3: Fill the back seat of each car with farm animals and gunpowder.

4: Make sure all the drivers have a BAC (Blood Alcohol Content) of at least 0.09 if not much more. Anything short of instant unconsciousness.

5: Take away the protective fencing and concrete barriers protecting the crowd.

6: Have a man walking through the crowd, the type you'd normally see selling hotdogs or other concessions, but give him a case full of large stones, about baseball-sized, and have him sell them at 2-3$ a pop, depending on size. You can only guess what these are for...

7: Have vents, or runoffs (stuff like you'd see on the floors of a public or school shower) dotting all across the track, and have them siphon off all the blood the will eventually coat the track itself, and have it siphoned off into a big pool in the center of the arena. The winner of the race then strips naked, and is allowed to swim in the blood an entrails of his enemies.

Complete this easy 7-step process, and you'll soon turn Nascar from a bland, boring pastime enjoyed mainly by rednecks and people in the south that can only be enjoyed with beer and buddies, into an amazing bloodsport that the Barbarians of Hyboria could only cry tears of joy for, and is only SUPPLEMENTED and IMPROVED with the addition of alcohol and friends!